After last night, I could never be a politician.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
