upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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