Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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