I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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