I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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