i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
