Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
