wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
