You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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