So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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