She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
