im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
