If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
