were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
