i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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