My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My pussy is not your playground.
operation have a gay friend backfired
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
