Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
