Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
