If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
