tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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