my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
