i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
