thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
