Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
