What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
