We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
