Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize