i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
