just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
