i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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