You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
