jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
