Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So vagazzling was a success
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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