Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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