the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
