Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
