Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
