once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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