I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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