Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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