I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
