somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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