And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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