Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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