I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
