you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
