It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
