I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
