My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
