T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
