You just made me feel so damn special
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
