now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
