He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
