I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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