Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm like, not good at living.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
