there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
