Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
