I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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